Skinny (however you define it) can feel pretty awesome. But nothing beats mama's peach cobbler made with sugar, butter AND shortening; or the foie gras poutine at Nightbell; or eating warm chocolate cake right out of the oven, icing be damned.
Nonetheless, we are on a quest to rediscover our healthy eating habits. We've decided to do the Whole 30 again. J has done it once with all-star results including better sleep, increased energy, improved mood, and weight loss. We attempted it this spring but with a six-month-old, my new job, and J in his final semester of college, we only made it 14 days. J is determined to get back on track this time and complete the whole thing (pun intended).
Whole 30 isn't meant to be a weight loss program, it's a "lifestyle change" which helps you develop better, healthier eating habits avoiding overly processed foods. Additionally, the strict exclusion diet (such a nasty word) is intended to help you find any food sensitivities that you've just accepted as part of your life; like sluggishness, lethargy, stomach aches etc. For 30 days you avoid foods which include: legumes, dairy, soy, sugar, and grains (not just gluten-grains but all of them, including rice and corn).
The core ingredients and recipes we've found are still delicious (like last night's dinner - recipe HERE), we actually eat many of them when we're not exclusively on W30. However, it requires a lot of thought and planning for your meals. You have to consciously check labels, think about what might be added at a restaurant, and organize your every meal and snack. All of which are technically good things, but they may very well result in not eating out for a month or acting out the Inquisition at any restaurant, skipping meals with family who won't support you (I see that cake, Mom), or bringing your own lunch to the office cookout (here are some other great tips about W30 life).
We started W30 on Monday and by Thursday I was losing my mind; Friday, I was crying; and today (Saturday) I ate Cookout for dinner (their hush puppies are #life). But this isn't a reflection on the diet. This was a reflection on my life, especially how I'm adapting to motherhood.
My heart wasn't in this from the beginning. Sure, I'd love to feel better, lose weight etc. but I just couldn't get on board. I began tearing myself down from the inside thinking it's an awful part of my personality. That I have no will power, no motivation, that I can't even put the cookies down for a month. I started thinking I was the biggest loser ever. I couldn't remember a single accomplishment in my life, especially one that required "hard work" or "sacrifice." I figured I'm just one of those entitled millennials you hear so much about; who can't give up her Unicorn frappuccinos and avocado toast.
But suddenly it hit me. It's not that I'm weak, it's that I'm putting too much effort into being strong in other ways to be strong about sugar.
Currently, my life is scheduled down the minute. I'm a breastfeeding mama with a full-time job who pumps three times per day at work. I rush to pick baby up after work, get a little over an hour of quality time and then begin the bedtime routine by 7 p.m. J works nights, so once baby is in bed, I'm at home to do chores, community work, and perhaps relax until time to pump again at 10 p.m. And I do this over and over and over. It's a great system for our family since J gets (free) quality time with baby instead of him going to ($$$$) daycare and my parents get to see the baby every day too. But it's exhausting in its strictness and most of our meals are focused on convenience.
Sometimes my after-dinner snack is the most exciting part of my day. And you have no idea how much I look forward to the weekend when we can share parenting duties and go out for warm waffle cones or sushi. Losing the only spontaneity in my life in exchange for increased planning, prep and cooking, was giving me anxiety. It was like the last adventurous thing in my day-to-day life was being ripped from my hands and replaced with kale salad.
And in my hyperventilating, I felt like another roadblock was coming into my life. As a breastfeeding mom with a 7 o'clock curfew there are so many things I can't do: drink alcohol, consume much caffeine, eat total junk that will muck with milk production, stay out late. But now I had a whole other set of voices in my head saying "no milk," "no cheese," "no hummus," "no corn salsa," "no chocolate chips"... and I couldn't take it.
My emotions and my experiences are so tied up in food that planning the baby's birthday party (one already!!) was sending me into a exclusion diet spiral. I want to nibble on his little icing covered fingers. I want to eat mini pimento cheese sandwiches. I want to read "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" to all the kiddos while eating Teddy Grahams.
I melted down over breakfast yesterday. And I realized that this strictness can't work with my lifestyle right now. I can't add another chore. I need a diet with flexibility where I can eat out if I don't have time or give-a-damn to cook. I can't have another forbidden thing. I need a diet based on "you shouldn't eat that cupcake" not "if you eat that cupcake, you've ruined your "cleanse" and have to start over."
So dear friends, remember that food is important. You create your relationship with food. You can create a healthy balance, where you can go try pie flights on the weekend but limit desserts during the week or where you pack your lunch for work but try one new restaurant dinner a week. You can celebrate with special dinners or decadent desserts. You can cope with a crazy day by making an oozy grilled cheese.
Stop thinking you can fit into any diet mold and that a failure is a reflection on your character. You deserve a healthy body and positive self image, but you also deserve an enjoyable life.
J is going to continue his W30 adventure, and I'm sure he'll crush it. But I'm done. I'll keep eating primarily "on message" but if I want a treat or if I'm too busy to make my own date-and-coconut-amino dressing, I'll eat what I want. And I won't feel guilty.
