Week Four: Upside Down - no, not THAT upside down - Banana Toffee Cake

We aren't venturing into The Upside Down a la Stranger Things, but rather, this week's cake was upside down! 

When I look at my pile of "to try" cake recipes, some themes certainly emerge: chocolate, old-fashioned pound cakes, quirky (giant chili dog cake, anyone?) and upside down/skillet, so this week, I tried my hand at a new upside down cake recipe made in our handy cast iron skillet. 

Homemade pineapple upside down cake was one of the desserts I mastered (thank you, 11th grade Foods & Nutrition class) and is likely one of the fastest cakes to throw together. If I got a call that friends were coming over, I could easily make a pineapple upside down cake within half an hour with pantry staples. 

Since I'm confident with the classic, I decided to mix it up a little with an Upside Down Banana Toffee Cake recipe that I pinned a zillion pre-baby years ago. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Week Four! We're closing in on the half-way point of my bake-till-2018 countdown!


To recap:

Week 1: Coconut Cream Poke Cake 

Week 2: Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting

Week 3: Orange Chiffon Cake with Candied Zest

Week 4: Upside Down Banana Toffee Cake 

This cake was pretty darn delicious right out of the oven; but really, what cake isn't? And because the recipe suggests that "The cake is really at its best on the first day" we did our darnedest to eat as much as we could and what was left actually served as Sunday night's dinner. Isn't adulthood great? 

The author complained her 12-inch pan made for a very thin cake, but our 10-inch skillet brought us a beautifully thick and fluffy cake beneath the sticky bananas. However, her instructions to cut the bananas lengthwise, halve and cut into 1.5" slices made for a cake that 1. didn't match her beautiful photos and 2. made for clunky slicing.  

The real beautiful thing though, is the flavor of this cake. I used almost an entire airplane bottle of Bacardi in the toffee and batter and I was seriously worried it would come off as too boozy. I imagine everyone who drank (underage) for drinking's sake has at least one liquor/cocktail/punch that was ruined by a night of overdoing it. Just the thought of Parrot Bay coconut rum makes my skin crawl, so I was nervous. But I had faith in the flavors of bananas foster and wasn't disappointed. Bananas and rum pair together so beautifully, and the nutmeg and cinnamon in the cake batter were a perfect fit. The rum didn't stand out, it only enhanced the warm spices and tropical banana flavor. Praise the Lord. 

I will say though, that the preparation was a little more daunting than my traditional pineapple upside down cake and I may have been a bit meek in my execution. I normally make my pineapple cake in a cake pan without actively cooking the topping (I just mix the sugar, butter and *pro tip: pineapple juice* in the pan itself before arranging the fruit). The distinction here (as you can see in her photos) is that this is supposed to be more reminiscent of a toffee/caramel on top. Caramel is basically burnt sugar, however, there is a fine line between burnt, beautiful, smooth caramel that coats fruit but slides gently out of the pan and burnt, stringy, forever-stuck-to-the-pan gunk. I live in fear of that distinction and likely under-cooked my "toffee." It was still fairly blonde and I could still recognize some sugar crystals instead of pure smoothness. But it came out of the pan perfectly; again, praise the Lord. 

And that darn toffee and upside-downness brings me to two important points about upside down cakes, and this one in particular. 

Clunky 'naners and a pitiful "platter"

First, everyone needs to invest in a big platter or heavy-duty cake stand/carrier for upside down cakes. We have a zillion tools, appliances and do-dads in our kitchen that make our culinary lives so much easier. But some of the simplest things, like having a flat surface big enough to flip a cake onto and then serve from, escape us. So pardon the tackiness of my cake on a neon green cutting board. 

Secondly, everyone needs to invest some time into lining their oven and cleaning it regularly. Apparently my toffee bubbled and sizzled and oozed its way right out of my skillet and onto the bottom of my oven. Of course I didn't notice until I began preheating the oven to make dinner last night and our kitchen filled with billowy dark smoke. My holiday break is going to be spent with some heavy-duty chemicals and a Brillo pad. I highly recommend a product like this that you can use in your oven and remove to clean, instead of breaking your back scraping burnt toffee (maybe someday I'll listen to my own advice). And/or consider putting your skillet (or God bless you, a springform pan) on a baking sheet. 

So grab yourself a big ass plate, a huge can of oven cleaner and an industrial fan (ventilation is important), a pint of vanilla ice cream, and dive into the project of making (and cleaning up after) a delicious banana upside down cake. 

Week Three: All the Cusswords AKA Orange Chiffon Cake

This has been a doozy of a week. I've had a work conference for three days which has meant being at work at 6 a.m. (pitch black) and returning to campus after 6 p.m. (also, pitch black). Plus, I'm trying to get a 16-month-old to understand Daylight Saving Time. I was just starting to relax on Tuesday night when I remembered I had to make this week's cake. Commence all the cusswords. 

Then I realized how many eggs I had to separate. Cuss. 
Then I remembered how much zesting I needed to do. Cuss. 
Then I struggled to differentiate soft peaks and stiff peaks. Cuss. 

Thank goodness we don't use a Swear Jar. If we did, Mama's bank account would be overdrawn. 

But all the cussing certainly made for a damn good cake (another quarter to the Swear Jar). 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, Week Three! We are approaching one-third completion of the cake-a-week journey to 2018. 

To recap: 

Week 1: Coconut Cream Poke Cake

Week 2: Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting

Week 3: Orange Chiffon Cake with Candied Zest, also from Martha Stewart's Martha's American Food

When I started this challenge, I created very limited, yet important, criteria and this recipe fit the bill. 

First, I want to try a variety of new recipes that cover a litany of dessert categories; "they can't all be chocolate or pound cakes or include cream cheese icing." I have never made a chiffon/angel food cake before and I distinctly remember being very young and asking my dad about them, he sucked his teeth and said "Ohh, those are hard." So, yeah, let's make one after a 12-hour work day. Great idea.

Secondly, I want to find reliable, tasty recipes for both unique and traditional cakes. Angel food cake is such a classic "dinner on the grounds" (church picnic for y'all Yankees) cake, I just had to give it a shot. Now, I'm equipped for any potluck or ladies' luncheon.

Third, I need to share as much cake as possible. Thankfully, the gals at my monthly book club are more than happy to take on this responsibility.

Turns out this cake wasn't particularly difficult to make; however, you do need to do a fair amount of prep work and there is some serious detail work.

Mise en place is critical here. Have all your zesting, juicing, and egg separating done and organized before you get down to the real work. I was scattered and it made things that much more difficult, but could've been disastrous for the cake, too. #MomBrain

Pro tip from my 11-grade Foods and Nutrition class: separate your eggs one at a time over a cup or bowl, then pour into their respective containers. That way, if a yolk breaks, you're only out one egg, instead of the whole shebang. Yolks and oils are MURDER to a good meringue. I mention this only because I forgot my own #@!$ advice and spent 5 minutes carefully spooning yolk out of my five-white bowl. 

And, if you're like me (read: a nervous wannabe perfectionist) pull up some images of soft and stiff peaks on your tablet/phone ahead of time to gauge your progress. And of course, once you perfect those peaks, fold in your batter gently, but thoroughly. I found a couple places that were more egg-y and less cake-y where I'd under-folded; you want the batter/egg to be blended well, but not deflated. 

No Instagram filter can top Christmas lights. 

Scattered prep and peak-induced anxiety aside, making the cake was fairly easy and turned out beautifully. Martha's version cooked longer than ours (we have an overly hot oven and I'm careful with over-cooking), so hers had a thin crust around all the edges not just the bottom; but it still turned out wonderfully fluffy and light. 

And y'all - it doesn't look orange, and you can't see the zest flecks, but this is the most terrifically fragrant and perfectly flavored cake. This would be a great for a spring tea party or a summer picnic, but I also think the winter holidays scream citrus. This would be perfect beside a hot cup of mulled cider or after a heavy Christmas meal (a reduced cranberry sauce, no not that kind of cranberry sauce, would be an excellent garnish). 

Speaking of excellent garnishes, the candied zest is a MUST. I'll just leave my explanation here, with the note I left inside my cookbook. 

Week Two: Heavyweight Carrot Cake

I realize I was just whining about our culture's overzealous focus on nutrition, calories and general fun-sucking from delicious food. But, I have to at least provide a warning about my second cake: it's not for the faint of heart or atrophied arm muscles. Actual nutrition facts aside (a tiny bit of extrapolation will tell you how healthy it is) this cake is downright HEAVY. Not dense, but physically heavy. 

Take a peek at a couple of the ingredients:

• 1 pound carrots, shredded
• 1 pound cream cheese, softened
• 1 1/4 pounds butter, softened
• 2 pounds powdered sugar, sifted

We're already weighing in at 5.25 pounds without even including flour or eggs. Carrying this cake in to work today on my glass cake stand (which already weighs a metric ton) was a sheer feat of endurance. I'd like to add One-Handed Cake Carrying to the Olympics or at the very least, the Highland Games. 

So prepare yourself if you intend to bake this cake or tote your grocery bags in from the car. I recommend starting with some bench press reps today. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Welcome to Week Two - we are officially one-fifth of the way through my challenge to bake a cake a week through the end of the year. 

To recap: 

Week 1: Coconut Cream Poke Cake

Week 2: Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting from Martha Stewart's Martha's American Food

This week, I opted to make my boss' birthday cake. I moved into this position at work a year ago and one of my first observations about my new department was that these folks love birthdays and especially, birthday cake. My meticulous predecessor kept a birthday spreadsheet with each person's primary and secondary cake and icing preference. Y'all - if your office, friend circle, or other crowd of people who love each other and love eating, doesn't do this, you're missing out. 

My second observation about this crew was that 25% of them listed carrot cake as their favorite birthday cake. That's unheard of. Carrot cake is wonderful, and my go-to Easter dessert, but no one really requests it for their birthday, right? But I forgot to mention that my predecessor also apparently makes the world's best carrot cake. Excel skills and great recipes - no pressure, right?

So let it be said that I'm in no way trying to replicate her recipe or replace her - and Kathleen, if you're reading this, I miss you and will never be able to fill your shoes - but carrot cake is Boss' favorite, and it fits the bill for my challenge. 

Carrot cake is a classic, American comfort food and I'm hoping to use this challenge to find a couple of traditional, mainstay recipes for those occasions where I feel very June Cleaver. An interesting thing about carrot cake is that recipes vary so much from the incredibly simple to over-the-top ingredients like pineapple, raisins, and crystallized ginger. However, no matter how many add-ins you use, it is always a humble, warm and comforting spice cake with creamiest icing. And there's a 90% chance there'll at least one tacky piped carrot on top; this cake is in the class 10% minority. 

Available HERE on Amazon. This is a great cookbook with un-fussy recipes of the foods we love in the US. It's sorted by geographic area, so you'll likely be really familiar with your section (hello, peach cobbler and pimento cheese) and iconic dishes (think: NY cheesecake, Philly cheese steak or New England clam chowder), but will likely be surprised by other less famous recipes. Highly recommend!  

Also, J and I have been doing an extensive study of this particular cookbook and are determined to have made every recipe in it next year. 

Part of our effort to cook through this cookbook includes the attention to writing in the book, on the recipes as we cook and eat. We've both grown tired of sacred cookbooks that are for looking, not using. We are now committed to making notes in all our cookbooks. I want mine covered in crumbs and stains (the best recipes are always on the stickiest, crunchiest pages) and have notes all over them. How else will you remember things like "not four American portions, maybe 10 European, but not US #merika" or "sauce reduces quickly" or more importantly, things like "YAAAAS. THE BEST!" or "VOID THIS RECIPE. DO NOT MAKE AGAIN." 

Please note: this challenge has NOTHING to do with cake decorating skills. #fail

Here's what I intend to write on page 66 of American Food:

• Subtle spice; maybe add more ground ginger/cinnamon/nutmeg
• Cake has great texture
• Frosting is A+++
• Make frosting ahead! But leave out well in advance to be warm/pliable 
• Don't skimp on pecan garnish

All in all, this was a pretty good cake and the crowd at work seemed pleased. I'm not certain this is the best carrot cake in the land, but I LOVE the frosting. I will refer back to this recipe to frost other cakes and since it makes almost 5 cups of frosting (thank you, 2 lbs of sugar and 1 lb of cream cheese) it will make enough for a whole pile of cupcakes. 

Calorie-Free Cake -- just kidding

Consider yourself warned: I'm climbing on my soapbox for a little rant. 

When I began considering baking a cake per week until 2018, I pitched the idea to my ever-wise Facebook crew. And they were generally supportive - because, cake! - but were also, surprisingly, full of health advice - because, cake? - but it got me to thinking and actually aggravated me. Problem #1 with crowd-sourcing your dreams. 

There were suggestions about ways to share the cakes to keep from eating it all, tips on how to save calories/fats, and suggestions for healthier recipes. And I get it, 10 weeks of cake is a lot of cake, but my first thought when someone suggests a challenge like that is "ooh, how do I get on board" or "here's my recipe for at-home Baker's Joy" or my husband's initial reaction, "how can you afford that much butter and vanilla?" 

So, I'm kinda pissed that these suggestions about health, diet, and calorie counting clogged up my fun query and dampened my excitement. 

First, food is important. We need it to survive but in a privileged society where we aren't solely focused on nourishment, we also have the opportunity to really enjoy it. I have the great fortune to be able to spend money at grocery stores, to spend time cooking for myself and the ones I love, and to go out and enjoy the gift of other people's professional cooking. So why shouldn't I take the next two months to not only enjoy the fruits of my baking and the results of new experimental recipes, but also to reconnect with my love of cooking? 

Which makes me think this: is it because I proposed the challenge?

I recently watched a (ridiculous) Refinery 29 video about an employee who ate nothing but pizza (or the closest approximations thereof) four times a day for five days. 

Homegirl had breakfast pizza, homemade gluten-free pizza, fruit + Nutella pizza, classic $1 NYC slices etc. and she lived happily ever after, save for one stomachache. However, a Facebook comment stood out to me: how would this comment thread be different if she wasn't a cute, thin, white girl? 

What would your gut (no pun, intended) reaction be to seeing slovenly Kevin from accounting eating 10 slices of pizza a day for a week? Or that big girl at the gym who only lasts 5 minutes on the treadmill? "We" - the collective group of people with opinions and wifi - would not stand for it. Why? It's five days out of someone's life! They could be healthy. They could regularly exercise. They could be  are just damn fine without our concern for their well-being. 

I'm not skinny, but aside from some Smaug-worthy heartburn and allergies from hell, I'm pretty healthy. This barely muscular, doughy, and perfectly imperfect body gets through the day without too many complaints. It nourished and brought a wonderfully healthy baby boy into the world and it only gained 12 pounds to do so (7 of which were exclusively baby) and so far, it's nursed him for 15+ months while losing the baby weight + an additional 30 pounds. So I've had to ask myself a la Carrie Bradshaw: would a cake-a-week be a big deal if I looked like, say, Carrie Bradshaw? 

Now, these particular people who offered suggestions on Facebook and those who I've explained my cake calendar to since, aren't jerks dropping passive aggressive hints about my weight, sugar intake, or chins. These are all women whom I genuinely respect and who care about me. But that shows you how ingrained discussions of weight, calories and fat are in our culture. We're willing to tell the people we love, whose ideas we fully support, that they should be thinking about their diet...constantly and that they don't deserve to indulge. It's subtle and well-intended conversation, but it's coming from a place, deep within all of us that is paralyzed at the thought of being unattractive. This self-consciousness is such a part of who we are that we can't be held accountable for our own behavior. It's like a compulsion to share and defend ourselves at the same time; "I care about my health. I'm bettering myself! See? Now, you should too!" 

All that being said, I appreciate another element of the culture of my she-tribe, that we look out for each other. We only want the best for each other and I'm sure they'd be alarmed if I expressed an interest in anything dangerous or truly, immediately unhealthy. But I just hate how this observation speaks to all of our fears and panic. I want to take the time to be more thoughtful in my conversations with others, especially with other women, about their plans/dreams/challenges and not be dismissive. I need to reprogram my subconscious to ask more personal, positive questions and offer real, helpful thoughts instead of jumping to negativity. 

I need to be asking myself: is this something I would say if they were talking about or doing something "traditional" or "healthy" or "generous"? Can't their excitement over baking ten cakes warrant the same excitement I'd give someone trying a kale-of-the-month club? Shouldn't I be as proud of them taking up disc golf as I would be of their interest in Soul Cycle? Why am I not praising their decision to go out on a date without the kids as much as I do their macaroni art projects with the two toddlers? 

End-of-Year Resolution: 10 Cakes in 10 Weeks

It's been difficult to cook since Baby came along; and obviously blogging about cooking hasn't been a priority, either.

We still cook the majority of our meals at home every week. Whenever we (generally, that means J) cook, the food is good and generally healthy, but our primary concern is convenience. If anything's got to cook low-and-slow, it better be Crock Pot-able and tedious recipes are saved for the weekend when we're both home and can take turns entertaining Little One.

I think this has really affected our relationship with food. We both still love cooking and trying new recipes, but making time for it is so difficult and not always worth the fight with a toddler who'd rather play than sit quietly while we prep. Our meals aren't nearly as diverse as they used to be, and unfortunately we've worn out a few easy, delicious and inexpensive dishes. We've gotten so tired of repeating or riffing on the same handful of (mostly Whole 30 compliant) dishes - chili, wrapperless egg rolls, chicken or ground beef taco salad - that meal planning is a passive aggressive fight just waiting to happen.

Out of sheer desperation to not eat another freaking pile of lettuce and salsa, I dug out my "To Try" notebook of recipes torn from magazines and saved for future inspiration. We picked a few new things and revisited a couple pre-baby favorites out of the "Tried" notebook and it was so refreshing! I remembered how exciting it was to make something new (or new-again); I was even emboldened enough to open up my neglected Pinterest boards.

And I was heartbroken to see how many "To Try" pins were just lying there...hopeless. So as I searched through the recesses of my pinboards, looking for inspiration for my mom's birthday cake, I made a decision: in the ten remaining weeks of 2017 I intend to bake a cake for every week.

I already have a couple "must bake" items in mind and limited criteria for this exercise in dessert decadence:

1. Make a variety of recipes - they can't all be chocolate or pound cakes or include cream cheese icing - they just need to be new-to-me from a reputable source/includes good reviews. 
2. Try unique recipes but also try more traditional ones, too. One should always have a fancy cake and a "like Grandma used to make" recipe up her sleeve. 
3. Share as much cake as possible (but still trying each one!) - they're coming to work, to church fellowship meals, to book club etc. WE CANNOT MAKE TEN CAKES AND EAT THEM TOO. 
4. No offense, y'all, but I'm not really taking suggestions. I'm making the things I've been telling myself to make for years. But you should do you, honey; it's stretchy pants season. 
5. Document it all on my blog. 

Hopefully, this experiment will be a reminder of how much I enjoy cooking and writing. If I can make time once a week to bake a cake, maybe I can make time once a week to try a different type of recipe or for J and I to resume our Date Nights of cooking together. I have derived so much pleasure from cooking in the last decade and either avoiding it or simplifying it to the point of banality has truly affected my happiness. 

Join me over the next two months as I cook TEN new cakes! Now, let's jump right in!

WEEK ONE:

Today's my mother's birthday and we are a homemade birthday cake crowd. I've never been disappointed - the cakes are delicious and sometimes outrageously decorated to fit the birthday boy/girl's wishes, even an absurdity like a cat on a surfboard (thanks for the inspo, Beyonce). 

Mom asked for something simple - coconut cream pie or cream cake - and even suggested I just buy a frozen pie. GASP. Like is she for real?! Her plain Jane request is what sent me into a Pinterest spiral of cake panic (yes, mother dearest, you're to blame for these upcoming cakes). After a very patient J talked me down from hyperventilating and I agreed that this cake could be simple - I have nine more to make this year, anyway - I decided to go for a tried and true favorite: poke cake. 

I've shared my poke cake recipe with you before - my banana pudding version (see below) won me bragging rights at church as the Dessert Queen, so I just jazzed my recipe up to mimic a coconut cream pie. I added about 1/3 of a cup of sweetened coconut each to the cake batter and  pudding (I used vanilla pudding because coconut cream pudding doesn't exist anymore? Whaaat? Or is this another case of #smalltownproblems?) and then topped with a border of toasted coconut. 

If you're ever in a pinch for something fast - you can have it made in less than 45 minutes - or something you can make ahead - you should cool ideally for at least an hour, but overnight's great too - this is the cake for you. Any boxed cake mix + any instant pudding + whipped cream + lazy garnish. Boom. Done. 

The real fun part of Cake #1 is the decor. Mom wanted a simple birthday - take out, cake and binge watching the second season of Stranger Things which was released on her birthday. So we had to give her an appropriate cake.

Wilton Cakes has no instruction manual for fondant demogorgons (but look at this!) and we're fresh out of Eggos, so we did the next best thing. All you need is gel icing in black or old school hunter green (it was the 80's) and 26 primary color plain M&Ms (just eat the brown ones). 

It's like a cuter, safer, and more delicious version of Joyce Byers' nervous breakdown! 

I hope you enjoy this recipe and stick with me for the next 9-ish weeks. I'll be reporting weekly on the cakexperiment; they may not all be this whimsical, but hopefully they'll all be this delicious. 

-------------------------------------------------

Banana Pudding Poke Cake (Award-winning, I might add)

Ingredients: 

1 box moist yellow cake mix
ingredients listed on mix to make cake (mine were 3 eggs, 1/2 c oil, 1 c water)
2 boxes instant banana pudding
ingredients to make pudding pouches (mine needed 4 c milk)
1 container whipped cream, thawed
1/2 box Nilla wafers, crushed

Method: 

Prepare cake according to box instructions. Allow to cool for 5 minutes. Using a wooden spoon (or small, clean finger) poke holes in the cake about 2 inches apart (if your holes are too close the cake will collapse when cut). 

Whisk pudding packets with milk and allow to stand for 2 minutes. Pour pudding over cake; spreading evenly. Place in refrigerator to cool completely (I did this the afternoon before our event and it got nice and soft, I think any more than 24 hours and it might get too mushy, but less time would be fine too your cake will be more firm).

Spread whipped cream over the pudding layer and top with wafer crumbles. Serve cold. 

Day (Whole) 30 or How I Learned to Make the Best Damn Potato Salad Ever

Well, he did it! Jordan finishes his Whole 30 today.

I never had any doubts he could do it. This man can be the most determined person ever. He's gone a full 30 days without sugar (save accidentally licking Ransom's dripping fruit popscicle), legumes, all grains, soy, and dairy. I, on the other hand, have enjoyed a steady diet of queso and mini M&Ms.

No, really, I've stayed on the wagon for the majority of our meals - maybe adding a condiment or slice of cheese; but my snack life has been a little (ok, a lot) more lax.

And even as a two-time Whole 30 drop out (aren't you proud, mama?), I have to say it is a pretty good plan. Strict, yes. Time consuming, hell yes. But the food is good and REAL and the results are obvious.

I want to share a few quick positive observations with you before I share what might be our new favorite recipe in the whole world (not just Whole 30, but all of recipe-dom).

• You don't have to go hungry. There's no counting - carbs, calories, fats, nothing. There aren't limits on how many times a week you can eat x. You're actually listening to your body and if your body feels hungry, you eat. Given, you need to eat something good, but you're not denying yourself food in general. This is a big deal for a "diet" - I don't do hangry well.

• You're not eating bizarro "health" food. We didn't eat a single piece of kale, a chia seed, or fake noodle made out of mushroom powder. Sure, you might lose weight from the cabbage soup diet or the one where you just drink water with lemon juice and cayenne pepper but who cares if you're skinny if you're a miserable jerk?

• You can make delicious meals that people wouldn't even realize were Whole 30 - like the recipe below. Meat + vegetables + fruit is really all you need. And when you fully utilize your spice cabinet and lovingly cook things, not just microwave them, you can make tasty food.

So, speaking of delicious meals, here's our Friday night feast. Yes, we've made it every Friday night; it's THAT good.

I found this potato salad recipe right as we were getting started and we made some minor modifications to make it Whole 30-approved, but also, more delicious. If you want to follow the original recipe, you can view it HERE.

We pair this with a juicy, medium grilled steak; which, if you do it right, needs nothing more than salt and pepper - no A1, no clarified butter, just perfectly seasoned beef. But it would be great with any protein and I think it would be perfect for a potluck or picnic. It's also great cold, assuming you'll ever have leftovers.

* Whole 30 mayo recipe HERE

It's been a hard month, no doubt (see: my breakdown on Day 5 HERE). But it's not been un-enjoyable and the results are easy to see. J's got more energy, he's looking all svelte, and we haven't had a single "where do you want to eat" fight!

I really would recommend Whole 30 to anyone seeking a change or even just a re-set on their digestion and metabolism, if for no reason than you'll actually enjoy the food you're eating and the way you feel.

For more information on Whole 30, consider buying the affordable cookbook and reading through the process and trying some of the recipes. You're supposed to do this 100% and take it on as a lifestyle change, but even just starting out with making healthier decisions and home cooked meals is a step in the right direction for anyone.

Why I Quit the Whole 30

Whoever said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" is an ass.

Skinny (however you define it) can feel pretty awesome. But nothing beats mama's peach cobbler made with sugar, butter AND shortening; or the foie gras poutine at Nightbell; or eating warm chocolate cake right out of the oven, icing be damned.

Nonetheless, we are on a quest to rediscover our healthy eating habits. We've decided to do the Whole 30 again. J has done it once with all-star results including better sleep, increased energy, improved mood, and weight loss. We attempted it this spring but with a six-month-old, my new job, and J in his final semester of college, we only made it 14 days. J is determined to get back on track this time and complete the whole thing (pun intended).

Whole 30 isn't meant to be a weight loss program, it's a "lifestyle change" which helps you develop better, healthier eating habits avoiding overly processed foods. Additionally, the strict exclusion diet (such a nasty word) is intended to help you find any food sensitivities that you've just accepted as part of your life; like sluggishness, lethargy, stomach aches etc. For 30 days you avoid foods which include: legumes, dairy, soy, sugar, and grains (not just gluten-grains but all of them, including rice and corn).

The core ingredients and recipes we've found are still delicious (like last night's dinner - recipe HERE), we actually eat many of them when we're not exclusively on W30. However, it requires a lot of thought and planning for your meals. You have to consciously check labels, think about what might be added at a restaurant, and organize your every meal and snack. All of which are technically good things, but they may very well result in not eating out for a month or acting out the Inquisition at any restaurant, skipping meals with family who won't support you (I see that cake, Mom), or bringing your own lunch to the office cookout (here are some other great tips about W30 life).

We started W30 on Monday and by Thursday I was losing my mind; Friday, I was crying; and today (Saturday) I ate Cookout for dinner (their hush puppies are #life). But this isn't a reflection on the diet. This was a reflection on my life, especially how I'm adapting to motherhood.

My heart wasn't in this from the beginning. Sure, I'd love to feel better, lose weight etc. but I just couldn't get on board. I began tearing myself down from the inside thinking it's an awful part of my personality. That I have no will power, no motivation, that I can't even put the cookies down for a month. I started thinking I was the biggest loser ever. I couldn't remember a single accomplishment in my life, especially one that required "hard work" or "sacrifice." I figured I'm just one of those entitled millennials you hear so much about; who can't give up her Unicorn frappuccinos and avocado toast.

But suddenly it hit me. It's not that I'm weak, it's that I'm putting too much effort into being strong in other ways to be strong about sugar.

Currently, my life is scheduled down the minute. I'm a breastfeeding mama with a full-time job who pumps three times per day at work. I rush to pick baby up after work, get a little over an hour of quality time and then begin the bedtime routine by 7 p.m. J works nights, so once baby is in bed, I'm at home to do chores, community work, and perhaps relax until time to pump again at 10 p.m. And I do this over and over and over. It's a great system for our family since J gets (free) quality time with baby instead of him going to ($$$$) daycare and my parents get to see the baby every day too. But it's exhausting in its strictness and most of our meals are focused on convenience.

Sometimes my after-dinner snack is the most exciting part of my day. And you have no idea how much I look forward to the weekend when we can share parenting duties and go out for warm waffle cones or sushi. Losing the only spontaneity in my life in exchange for increased planning, prep and cooking, was giving me anxiety. It was like the last adventurous thing in my day-to-day life was being ripped from my hands and replaced with kale salad.

And in my hyperventilating, I felt like another roadblock was coming into my life. As a breastfeeding mom with a 7 o'clock curfew there are so many things I can't do: drink alcohol, consume much caffeine, eat total junk that will muck with milk production, stay out late. But now I had a whole other set of voices in my head saying "no milk," "no cheese," "no hummus," "no corn salsa," "no chocolate chips"... and I couldn't take it.

My emotions and my experiences are so tied up in food that planning the baby's birthday party (one already!!) was sending me into a exclusion diet spiral. I want to nibble on his little icing covered fingers. I want to eat mini pimento cheese sandwiches. I want to read "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" to all the kiddos while eating Teddy Grahams.

I melted down over breakfast yesterday. And I realized that this strictness can't work with my lifestyle right now. I can't add another chore. I need a diet with flexibility where I can eat out if I don't have time or give-a-damn to cook. I can't have another forbidden thing. I need a diet based on "you shouldn't eat that cupcake" not "if you eat that cupcake, you've ruined your "cleanse" and have to start over."

So dear friends, remember that food is important. You create your relationship with food. You can create a  healthy balance, where you can go try pie flights on the weekend but limit desserts during the week or where you pack your lunch for work but try one new restaurant dinner a week. You can celebrate with special dinners or decadent desserts. You can cope with a crazy day by making an oozy grilled cheese.

Stop thinking you can fit into any diet mold and that a failure is a reflection on your character. You deserve a healthy body and positive self image, but you also deserve an enjoyable life.

J is going to continue his W30 adventure, and I'm sure he'll crush it. But I'm done. I'll keep eating primarily "on message" but if I want a treat or if I'm too busy to make my own date-and-coconut-amino dressing, I'll eat what I want. And I won't feel guilty.